5 YEARS

My pal Jamie and I were drinking the other day (as you can see) when we stared talking ODB. She remembered that November was the month he died. Turns out today is the fifth anniversary of his passing. Bummer. Let's watch videos and not swallow baggies of coke today, ok?

Anyone? Someone? This isn't a moral eclipse.

Look, I've asked this before and I'm not going to ask again - is ANYONE coming to New York to see Cave In? No? Ok, what about this one: any of you faux New Yorkers into seeing Cave In at the Knitting Factory on the 19th? That's next Friday.

I will go see this show alone if I have to, but fuck, I just shouldn't have to. What's wrong with YOU PEOPLE?

Opps, we're not actually pregnant...

BURN.
Why don't Celine Dion and her manager/husband just buy babies like all the other old celebs do? Jeez, give it up Celine. Your husband is like 89 (look, he's like blind now too) and you're using his old, frozen sperm. And honey, you ain't so young yourself anymore. This is what happens when your career becomes number 1 and you put the baby-making on hold. Now, bite the bullet and adopt. Besides, there are a ton of kids who will feel at home with a waterfall in their bedroom or a casino in the basement.

JERSEY SHORE

These people give all my people a bad name...guido. My roommate doesn't even believe this is real because she doesn't think MTV would include a derogatory word in a promo. I explained guido is on par with terms like hipster and that it's not exactly derogatory. She disagrees.

Let me just say this: this show is going to be mindblowingly hilarious. And if it isn't real (which it is) then I will be greatly disappointed.

I need to get a job on the second season of this show. Yeah, don't doubt there will be a second season - American's love bad reality TV.

WTF hair

Dreads on white people is not just not acceptable. Dreads on Columbians is just as perplexing. Clearly Shakira doesn't have any sensible friends. Friends don't let friends get dreads, you got that?

Unless they're not real, this could be a career killer right here.

DRUNK.

don't drink and ride.

it's 4:26 pm

It's Veteran's Day here in the good ole USA. So of course Jamie has come over and we're drinking Labatt Blue tall boyz and discussing our DJ names (DJs Poon Tang Clan, fyi). Anyway, we tried finding dirty southern rap on my iTunes but came up with a whole lot of emo from 1998-2002 (the golden years?) instead.

And then somehow we started listening to Jet Black New Year. How fuckin embarrassing, eh? It was a mere detour in our emo sesh than anything else. Did you know Jamie's AIM name comes from that song? What a fuckin loser (kidding?).

Now we're listening to Further Seems Forever (first album, not that emo I know) and Jamie just forced me to google "Chris Carabba shirtless". WTF? She swore it was hot. It's like meh at best, right? Anyway, here's Chris shirtless awkwardly holding two umbrellas. And I had to go to a fucking site called Hunk Du Jour to find it.

LIVE BLOGGING:
JAMIE SCREAMS LYRICS TO 'WEARING THIN'.
"I'm not ashamed!"
Jamie can't stop going pee. I think the Canadian beer is too strong for her to handle.
Jamie wonders how to cut your period short. Jump rope?
OMG JUST found out that WES ANDERSON and JASON SCHWARTZMAN are going to be talking at Apple Soho in like three hours. We're fighting about it. I want to go but she says she's going to pee her pants if she goes - not cause she's a fan but because of the weird bladder issue.
Now she's telling me she bones a dude to The Promise Ring. HOW LAME! Maybe I'm jealous? We're listening to 'Why Did Ever We Meet?'
Now Jamie tells me the guitarist lives and works in Williamsburg and she totally is going to start stalking him. Good fucking luck, weirdo. She actually has the address.
we are drunk.
we're DJing in killer bee costumes.
AIR DRUMS (Jamie)

OK BYE!

EDIT:

Jamie's such a bitch and spilled beer everywhere. YAY FOR VETERAN'S DAY!

EDIT PT 2:
Jamie and I just got these from a machine at the local grocery store. Apparently Hitler's big in Brooklyn.

stay the fuck away, Gaga.

WHY DOES GAGA HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING? I hate Gaga, I hate people who like Gaga and I can't stand the sight of her. she's such a try hard and makes music for boring people that idolize bottles of bleach. And now she's going to ruin one of my fave shows, Gossip Girl. Gross.

Heartbreaking

Jerry Fuchs, drummer for bands such as !!! and Maserati died in a freak accident Sunday morning while attending a party in Williamsburg Brooklyn. You can read about it here. RIP Jerry

VACANT

Paris Hilton is miffed over this massive billboard that insinuates she is vacant. It's funny because after I interviewed Paris myself people kept asking me what she was like and the only thing I could say was that she was "vacant". So, this seems accurate if not fitting. She looks through people when she speaks to them and doesn't listen to the question you've just asked her. And of course, she's not very bright.

The main issue concerning this Aukland, New Zealand billboard is over photo rights. Of course her likeness was used without permission and because of it's offensive nature, her lawyers will most likely sue if her image isn't removed. Meanwhile, a representative for the billboard company said they were "having a bit of fun". Unfortunately for them, both Paris Hilton and her legal team have zero sense of humour.

That's love

Katy Perry made a strong statement at the EMA's this past week - she supports her boyfriends shitty soccer team, West Ham United. Not only that, but she's basically confirming that Russell Brand is her boyfriend. So, is that how you keep a man? Pretend to be interested in what he loves? How booooring. But hey, at least she looked cute-as-a-button while doing so. Ok, maybe not cute at all. She actually looks like a dirty stripper.

Girl, I feel you.

I...died. Super hilarious and cunty Taylor got fired by Rachel Zoe. And she's all "yeah, whatever'.

She should totes go to Europe for two weeks. Take it from a pro, Taylor.

dear lurkers, I know who you are. here are your updates.

Can I be a total weirdo and not blog about celebs for a second but rather myself? It's November and it's getting cold. I think I need a winter boyfriend or something. I suppose I've grown accustomed to those (why do they always leave when it gets warm? Don't even answer that, I already know...) I am however currently taking applications, in case you're interested. No? I didn't think so.

So it's finally the end of Saturn in Virgo and that means my life just improved exponentially. According to Susan Miller, who honestly knows what's up (you don't believe me? Check out your monthly horoscopes at the beginning and end of the month and you'll be shocked) Saturn has been the black cloud over my head since the end of 2007 up until the end of last month (Taurus, you're up. Good-fucking-luck). If you know me you know that's exactly when shit started to hit the fan (Lucky grew extremely ill and died...thousands of dollars later) and wouldn't let up (don't even remind me or make me remind you). Sometimes I wonder how I even made it through all the bogus shit but whatever, I don't know a single person more tough than me. You just can't argue with that.

So, here I am, Saturnless and in New York and it's fucking rad. This time I actually feel like I belong here and I'm not entirely struggling to survive. I have three weekly writing gigs in addition doing some other stuff (shady bitch) to make some hard American cash. There are also a few prospects on the horizon. Basically stuff is looking up. I love my apartment in Bushwick and my roommates. I've also met truly amazing people since being back in August. A far cry from my first highly dramatic and stressful experience when I arrived last January, no doubt. God, are you still fucking reading this? It's like a goddamn diary entry, ZzzzZzzz.

I'm kind of boy crazy right now, but in the best way possible. Everywhere I turn I meet someone who is ridiculously awesome. I tend to meet guys at my favourite bar Legion. I don't know what it is about that place (high cocaine usage, perhaps? Not me, btdubs) but everyone is so friendly and social. Bars in NYC, in Brooklyn in particular, are a lot better than back in Toronto. Why? Because everyone is keen on meeting new people and their head isn't shoved all the way up their asshole. I've never found it easier to strike up a conversation with a stranger like I do in Brooklyn. Yeah, yeah, ok, dating a guy here is a challenge for so many reasons (they're all players, yo) but they're generally pretty honest about their intentions. I'm really stoked on one guy in particular but for a few reasons he's completely unattainable.

A few friends have passed through and visited me since returning and every time it's been a ton of fun. I've partied a lot up until this point but I guess I'm ready to cool it for a bit. Fall is the ideal time for that, I guess.

Apart from being roofied (no, I didn't get raped or mugged - but it's still a great story...) I've been well. I could easily live here for the rest of my life or come back to Toronto tomorrow. I have no idea where I'll be in three months, but isn't that fucking exciting? I live free of shackles. How many of you can honestly say that? I could move to Italy next week if I wanted to. I won't because I hate Italian men and can't speak the language, but hey, it's an option, now isn't it?

I suppose I haven't divulged much. Maybe it's because my life is seamless. Drama-free. Easy. Fun. That ain't so bad.

I'm also actively writing a book - thanks to who I consider a new (old?) friend, I got an idea and I'm running with it. I'm also working on my screenplay again. I'm busy, ok? I've got aspirations again and ain't nobody gonna keep me down.

conclusion: don't pity me anymore and don't you dare talk shit on me cause I'm gonna kill you with kindness. Life is sweet.

I don't care about anything except hearing them sleigh bells ring-a-ding-ding

via videosift.com
Friends of mine know what my all-time favourite SNL skit is "I Wish It Was Christmas Today", a christmas song performed by Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Tracy Morgan and Chris Kataan. The joy that single skit brings me is on par with Cute Overload. That said, I think it's pretty rad that Strokes frontman Julian Casablancas covered the song, which you can listen to on his MySpace. Oh, and his solo record just came out and you can stream it there too.

OH NOS

Our favourite geriatric cougar Blanche Devereaux has been hospitalized after suffering from cardiac illness. A tribute to Rue McClanahan set for November 14 in San Fransisco has been canceled so she can recover.

The Golden Girl released this statement which is very Blanche of her.

"My darlings, I'm just devastated that I am going to have to miss my own tribute at the Castro Theatre. Unfortunately, my doctor has laid down the law, and I'm currently having some maintenance on the old ticker. Trust me, I'd much rather be in San Francisco having fun and being adored by all of you."

If you've seen pictures of Rue lately then you've acknowledged she doesn't look so good these days. A far cry from the youthful woman that she was on the Golden Girls. We've already lost two Girls, I can't bear to lose another so soon! Get better, Rue.

CUTEOVERLOAD

This picture is today's CUTE OVERLOAD for me. It instantly adjusted my mood from meh to ohmeeeegawd. Can you imagine being lil superman rolling up to the Obamas' white castle? And I wonder what the prez gives out on Halloween. I mean he's supposedly the most powerful man in America - so a mini Twix bar just ain't gonna cut it.

Everyday is Halloween

Celebrities really bum me out when it comes to Halloween - except Heidi Klum because she spends her Project Runway money wisely and knows what's up. What bothers me the most is that they have access to copious amounts of money, stylists etc, and more often than not, their costumes are a total fail. It's just more disappointing than when your friend shows up as a sun-burnt tourist without a camera and wearing jeans or goes as Andrew W.K. and doesn't put a wig over his short, orange hair.

And btw, check out the huge vagina on Nick Cannon. I give this cheesy couple a B+ for effort and an A+ in creeping me the fuck out.

high five

Kudos to Christina Ricci for finding this average-looking cute dude. Unfortunately, he's kind of a shorty - a huge difference from her last boyfriend, Owen Benjamin (my two favourite names) who looked like an ogre.

If I ever meet Ricci I'm going to ask her two things: what the fuck were you thinking and what was it like with a giant? I'm not even five feet tall and while I prefer height I wouldn't begin to entertain the idea of dating someone over 6'4". Anyway, this isn't a WTF couple because they actually look right together. Maybe it's the shitty tattoos but I think one body of mistakes deserves another. I'm still trying to find someone on par with flying dolphins.

I haven't seen Amy look this put together in years

Check out the sun spots on Wino's face. All that time in St Lucia didn't serve her skin well, I guess. Oh yeah, and she got new tits. Cool.